Whatever

“I’m very accepting with my age. It’s like notches on my belt. Experience…and a different kind of beauty.” – Joe Saldana

I’m tired. Tired of all the vitriol and abrasive human interaction. Recently this weariness, calmly, came over me. Like a quiet thought.

As I listened to another mind numbing bashing on TV, it came over me.

As I dealt with yet another senseless personal disagreement with another human being on some inane matter, it came over me.

Being at odds with any human beings has, at this moment in my life, finally breached my willingness to engage in controversy.

Seems to me that true compassion, real understanding, and real civil action can be achieved without another person’s approval.

I’ve now crossed the threshold to the whatever stage of my life.

 “If you haven’t cried, your eyes can’t be beautiful.” – Sofia Loren

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A Guy and His Rolls Royce.

“Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, but no one can agree on what it is.” – Diane Ackerman

Another day at my part time gig. Managing a local car wash.

As I pull up to the Crystal Clean Car Wash, I see a guy washing what looks like a Rolls Royce in bay one.

Now that was an odd sight I had to check out.

He was scrubbing the tires as I walked up and asked: “Is that a Rolls Royce?” That was the catalyst to a very interesting and surprising conversation.

It was indeed a Rolls Royce. A 2004 model with 75,000 miles on it. With a V-12 engine that got 17 mpg.

It was beautiful. Not a scratch on it. And his pride was obvious as he gave me the tour. As he opened the doors an explosion of real leather and wood washed over my eyes.

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The conversation eventually evolved into life growing up in Tulsa and family.

He was especially proud of his son who was an extremely gifted athlete. He excelled in all sports but especially Soccer.He played on U.S. World Cup teams as well as professionally in the English Premiere League.

And he was inducted into the U.S. College Hall of Fame. Very impressive for a guy from Tulsa, OK.

He even owned the Tulsa Roughnecks for several years.

All in all he was a super nice guy and it was my pleasure meeting him.

I hope he remembers me in his will. Just kidding.

So……if you happen upon a guy in a self-service car wash washing a Rolls Royce…………talk to him. You never know.

“Sometimes you just stumble into something that works…” – Pat Sajak

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Never Ever

“We are cursed with the tendency to overthink things which can result in negative thoughts that we not only replay in our minds, but also share with other people – to their chagrin.”

A recent 12 hour span was a challenge.

It came upon me innocently during a broadcast of Wheel of Fortune. There I was, a striking figure of repose in my recliner, trying to solve the puzzle when suddenly my brain sent signals of impending disaster. I mean it was that quick. And I knew exactly what was required. I had to move fast. Real fast.

I did not make it. I failed the test. Miserably.

And it did not end. The scenario repeated roughly every 2 hours until the dawn.

I struggled out of bed weak and exhausted. Finally an end to the ordeal.

My advice to you is never, ever mix prunes with a laxative.

“There ain’t no way to find out why a snorer can’t hear himself snore.” – Mark Twain

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Gravitiy

 “I’m so old I put tenderizer on my pudding.”

I have gone 78 revolutions around the Sun. 78!!

Only to come Face to face with an enemy. A tried and true nemesis.

GRAVITY.

Senior citizens fall in slow motion. Ever notice that?

Watch an old person fall. They take forever to hit the ground.

I know. I did.

I defied gravity. Eventually it won but before I bounced off the floor I had time to think.

Recently I strolled over to the counter stool and sat.

I’m sure you’ve experienced that moment when equilibrium leaves and arm waving leads to that moment you realize all is not right with your world.

I plop my butt on the stool a bit too casually. A big mistake.

I am falling.

And the fall won’t be denied. I will hit the ground. I give in.

And begin to think:

Will this hurt?

I hope nobody sees this.

And then………………Bonk. I hit.

I take stock of the situation.

Wow. I feel ok.

God, I hope no one saw this. Wait! I just defied death and my only concern is whether anyone witnessed this incredibly clumsy act.

Priorities you know. Priorities.

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”  – Tom Bodet

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The Scooter Experience

“The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.” – Keanu Reeves

So there they stood. Beckoning. Teasing. Taunting.

 

What about it big boy? Want to live a little? Are you man enough to ride one of us?

As I sauntered over to these beasts of the road I muttered to myself: “I got this”. I may be an old man but I still got it. Suuuuuure!

I nudged the kickstand up, gripped the handlebar and hit the juice.

The beast, like a bolt of lightning, leapt onto the path like it was fired out of a cannon, with me hanging on. Flashes of women raising the alarm. Kids scurrying out of harm’s way.

The damn thing was on the verge of dragging me to my death or, at the very least, scraping off half my backside.

As bike riders, walkers, and runners scrambled to get out of the path of the impending disaster, somehow I managed to get the beast to stop.

There. Not so bad. And why are these people giving me such strange looks?

With as much dignity as I could muster, I sauntered to my car and left.

Tomorrow is another day. For a nice, easy walk.

“The past always looks better than it was. It’s pleasant because it isn’t here.” – Finely Peter Dunne

 

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What Does The Dishwasher Do?

“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.” – Will Rogers

I happened to be in the kitchen one day as the ladies of the house were loading the dishwasher. They were washing each utensil, glass, and dish before loading the item into the dishwasher.

This procedure seemed odd to me so I innocently asked: What does the dishwasher do?

It sanitizes.

I spend several moments pondering the perplexities.

I should have stopped right there. I did not.

Does it wash the dishes I asked?

It sanitizes they replied.

I should have stopped right there. I did not.

Well then, if all it does is sanitize, why add soap?

I know….I should have stopped right there.

Now, with an agitated tone and a shrug of the shoulders, they reply: it assists sanitizing.

Oh hell yes………..I should have stopped right there.

Okay, girls, you are not making a lot of sense. (OOPS)

Big mistake. No steak fajitas for me that night.

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin

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What’s The Point

“There is nothing in this world that can trouble you more than your own thoughts”

 So many family, friends, as well as the icons of my life, have passed. So many.

Just heard that Little Richard passed at 87.

It seems like every day another one bites the dust.

It’s beginning to get to me. Gnaws at me. More and more.

Facing my own mortality is part of it. But by no means the whole picture.

No.

Through introspection, I realize the demon is a feeling of emptiness. Like some integral building block of my world is gone. For good. And so….I am measurably less.

Like….what’s the point? I look around and see less and less of the anchors of my time on the planet. A permanent void.

Crazy. No?

“There is no lonelier man in death, except the suicide, than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it.– Ernest Hemmingway

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Father Time

“The Brevity of life is hard to face.” – Unknown

Stop. Hold it right there. Just what the hell is going on here?

Just yesterday I was a mere lad of twenty-one. Now you tell me I’m seventy-seven.

What……are you nuts????

So what if it takes me ten minutes to get out of my recliner. I have issues you know.

But most of your contemporaries died in the last century.

That’s not true. My best friend in High School died in ninety-two.

Wait…..oh yea…..that was the 20th century.

Well………….it was a loud surprise.

But you have a daughter who is fifty-one.

You know something father time…………you are beginning to get on my nerves.

“To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.” – G. Santayana

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The Recliner

“It is better to give than lend, and it costs about the same.” – Phillip Gibbs

“We’re just waiting for you to get out of that chair.”

Those words were spoken to me last evening and caused me to laugh out loud.

Explanation.

The vast majority of us, as we age, slow down. We don’t admit it till we are forced. But alas, that day comes with inevitable certainty.

So I’m 76 and staring 77 in the eye. Ah yes baby, I am in the advanced aging process.

You should see me getting out of our 2012 Chevy Malibu. The procedure almost requires the Jaws of Life. Strength that I don’t have, agility, balance, time, space, and determination.

That is a rather long list of requirements just to exit a damn automobile. I should make a video of it and send it to AFV.

Anyway.

We have this thing where every night before I go to bed Gaby, Ann, and I engage in a group hug. Ends the day on a high note.

Last night, after a routine evening of TV, dinner, and general B.S., I ran out of gas and announced:

“Group Hug. Time for Daddy to call it a day.”

Several minutes into the extraction from my extremely comfortable recliner I notice the girls aren’t moving.

Hey ladies, I asked for a group hug.

Hey Dad, we’re just waiting for you to get out of that chair.

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.– Ernest Hemmingway

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Busted

“I mistrust total competence. I’ve always felt life is a series of small disasters we try to get through.” – Michael Palin

I awoke not feeling well. I’ve experienced these symptoms too often this year. Colds. Flu. Bronchitis. Pneumonia.

So I knew this was not going to be a good day. I should see a doctor.

But……I’m a guy. Sooooooooooooo. First I’ll try to lick this thing with aspirin.

Hmmmm. Temp 100. Not bad. Low grade fever. Pop a few pills and chill.

Several days later. No improvement. Bad cough complicating things.

2 a.m. – Fitful sleep. Very tired. Not doing well.

Suddenly I sense someone is whispering to me. Trying to wake me up.

It’s my wife. Bob. Wake up. I need to take your temp.

Somewhere in the periphery of my unconscious state, I sense the interruption. I stir but do not respond.

Cold steel on my forehead.

Again. Bob. Wake up. You’ve got a temp. You need to take some aspirin.

Ok. This is getting way too serious. I just want to lay here and sleep. Don’t have any energy.

I’ll just ignore her. She’ll go away. And leave me alone.

After several futile attempts to get me to sit up, she leaves.

Finally. I win. I enjoy a quiet chuckle. Yes.

At this point, I must point out that we have one of those adjustable beds.

Suddenly a noise. Immediately my head begins to rise.

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And there she is with a glass of water and two pills stuck in my face.

She had forced me to sit up. She wins.

In spite of myself, I laugh inside.

The moral of this story is: beware of French women with brunette hair.

They are clever, resourceful and determined.

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.– Ernest Hemmingway

 

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